So, what sucks anyway?

I was telling my family about my blogs, and my brother was interested in this blog in particular. He asks me, "So, what movie would you say DOES suck?" And I didn't have an answer. That bugged me. I can't have a movie review blog that only reviews movies favorably! What good would that be? Not to mention totally boring! So I've been thinking about it, and here is what I've decided: most of the movies I see are good. Generally, I don't cough up the dough to see a movie in the theater unless I'm sure it's going to be worth it. But let me tell you some warning signs I've learned to pick up. If I see these things, it generally means the movie will suck. Therefore I won't see them, thus a review of them will not appear on this blog until I can use money as a fire-starter. Which won't be for a while.

First: if it's made by Lionsgate.

To be fair, Lionsgate has put out a couple good movies. American Psycho was pretty good. There was another one recently, but I've forgotten what it was. But in general, Lionsgate puts out movies like Crank and Hostel and Saw. I'm not going to see those. They suck. They are made for almost no money and put out quickly to get a profit. Here's how they do it: they include gratuitous sex and violence. The people in charge think of scenarios that will provide the most sex and violence, however outlandish it may be, and then film it as cheaply as possible. And they are successful. Because even though not everybody goes to see them, enough people do to earn a profit. These people are drawn to these movies FOR the gratuitous sex and violence. There's a word for this: exploitation. It's cheap, sleazy, and only making people stupider. It's the second-worst use for contemporary film. The absolute worst is my second item.

Here's the second item: any movie made by those two guys who make those parodies. The latest one being Vampires Suck.

There are a lot of people who think Uwe Boll should stop making movies because they're just terrible. Well, in my opinion, compared to these guys Boll is James Cameron. These two produce the most frivolous drivel in film history. Like, ever. There's no reason why they are still making movies. Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, Superhero Movie, the list goes on. They receive epic low scores on every review site in the world, and yet people still flock to them. Please please PLEASE, everyone: STOP SEEING THESE MOVIES. They are a blight. They are a cancer to contemporary film. They suck beyond comprehension. And what astonishes me every time is that they skyrocket to the top of the release charts. To all of you who see these movies: you're so dumb -- you're perpetuating a terrible cycle and contributing to a terrible disease that is infecting theaters across the country.

Ok, I can already figure out what people who disagree with me will say. It makes them happy. But here's the thing. The people in charge of movies are driven by finances. Profit. Currency is their language of choice. When these movies do well, sometimes attributes of the movies are encouraged by producers to the point where intelligent movies are choked out in favor of exploitation or Vampires Suck. My fear is of a dystopian future where all movies fall under these categories. The same thing happened in the Roman Empire. Their entertainment became drivel and only appealed to the most base. And Rome fell, people. Think about that. How much would that suck?